_______ vs. Reality
Many of you know that I love to write, and I’ve loved to write ever since I was a little girl. I also love to travel, and the passion for that travel stems from my love for writing. Most of my experiences, realizations, and lessons come from immersing myself into what is unfamiliar, leading to my desire and urgency to write. By doing both, I best learn. New things are brought out in me and I am introduced to many new challenges. But something that both writing and traveling do together is force me into a battle with myself, to take a long hard look at the person I want to be and the direction I want my life to go in.
I have and always will struggle with the identity I have with myself. There are times where I've altered myself around different people to fit the image that best fits them, I sometimes hold back saying things because I’m so fearful of it not agreeing or conforming to the opinions of someone else, and I have a really big problem with wanting everyone to like me that it has really disrupted my ability to be content with the person that I am. Someone told me yesterday that they admire the outlook I have on life, and while that was really humbling and comforting to hear, it honestly surprised me. I am truthfully a very fearful person. I fear disappointing people, I fear hurting peoples feelings, I fear rejection, I fear not living up to peoples expectations, I fear letting people down and I fear standing up for myself IN FEAR that it will make someone else uncomfortable. But trying to satisfy everyone in fear of letting people down has ironically always led to disappointment because of the unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I have based my entire young life off of trying to always remain and promote positivity, and while that’s important, by doing so I am missing out on a huge component of life that is necessary to go through in order to achieve fulfillment; confronting and dealing with things that aren't always comfortable to deal with.
I’ve met a girl here named Kristen who is from South Africa. We’ve grabbed coffee a couple times and after finding out she is a Christian, our conversations have started to have a whole new substance and jubilance to them. I realized this is because there is power in Gods name when we openly talk about Him. Something Kristen has allowed me to see is the result of being non-hesitant with who we are as people. People tend to stray from conversations about God with others because of the fear we have with whether or not they believe in Him, but they are truly the most profound, meaningful and exploratory conversations we need to have as humans in order to discover more about ourselves and about Jesus. There are other areas and situations in my life where I hold back in fear of how others will react. By doing so, I am potentially missing out on some really awesome realizations, meaningful moments or new joys. You may not be able to always satisfy someone, but you can always at least teach them something.
I believe so much in the power of other peoples purposes, but why do I fear living out mine so much? How will I best make an impact if I try so hard to conform to what other people want from me? Every single time that I have decided to act on that fear, to take a risk or to step out of my comfort zone, God has shown up in more ways than one and proved to me that there was nothing really to be afraid of at all. When I am confident in myself, it allows other people to learn from me. When other people are confident in themselves, it allows me to best learn from them.
As I confront some of these things, I've realized how foolish it is to live in fear of what other people think. Someone will always have an opinion, so there is no escaping judgment. Respect yourself enough to make decisions in your life for you and not for other people, choose to have the courage to explore the person God spent so much time towards creating, and accept that you have the ability to determine the direction you want your life to go.
I do love my life. All the ups and downs, the mistakes and failures, the surprises and bad decisions; they have all led me and built me into the exact person I am today. We all feel sorry for ourselves every now and then, we seek attention and sympathy, we wallow in self-pity, but I don’t have any regrets in my life. None that I would actually 100% go back and change entirely. Some of my lowest moments, the way I treated my parents in high school, lies I’ve told others, the way I treated myself and my body at moments in my life, I would not take them back. Even though I am ashamed of these things, I see these low points with a different perspective. Because of the hurt and worry I caused my parents then, I now truly understand what unconditional and selfless love feels and looks like. From all the people I wronged, I now comprehend forgiveness, loyalty, compassion, and self-respect. All the pain I caused or inflicted on myself over the years, I am so thankful that somewhere deep inside me there was courage, strength and hope to overcome and move on from the dangerous life I was living. Again, while these are all hard things for me to admit and in no way, shape or form am I proud of these things, I am content with where they all eventually led me. I’m never going to live a perfect life because I am not a perfect person, same goes for you. But I love that we all have the opportunity to live a pretty good one. Don’t hide who you are, don’t regret where you’ve been and don’t be ashamed of where you’re going because you have a responsibility to yourself and to others to live out exactly the life God planned for you, the messiness included.
Sharing my thoughts in a blog like this is me choosing to be vulnerable and not care about what other people think because writing is something I love, and it outweighs that fear. Let the things that you love and let the things of yourself outweigh the fears you have. People admire passion, openness, enthusiasm, confidence. Give attention to the things of yourself the way they deserve and people will love them back. Choosing to embrace and put out into the world who you are will have a profound result on your happiness. You will meet more people, share more interests, form new relationships, be introduced to new things and discover more joy than you would if you choose to just sit back and sulk in the fear you have created for yourself. If we learn best from our failures or from our setbacks, imagine how many people we can impact or influence when we choose to embrace them.
As I confront some of these things, I've realized how foolish it is to live in fear of what other people think. Someone will always have an opinion, so there is no escaping judgment. Respect yourself enough to make decisions in your life for you and not for other people, choose to have the courage to explore the person God spent so much time towards creating, and accept that you have the ability to determine the direction you want your life to go.
I do love my life. All the ups and downs, the mistakes and failures, the surprises and bad decisions; they have all led me and built me into the exact person I am today. We all feel sorry for ourselves every now and then, we seek attention and sympathy, we wallow in self-pity, but I don’t have any regrets in my life. None that I would actually 100% go back and change entirely. Some of my lowest moments, the way I treated my parents in high school, lies I’ve told others, the way I treated myself and my body at moments in my life, I would not take them back. Even though I am ashamed of these things, I see these low points with a different perspective. Because of the hurt and worry I caused my parents then, I now truly understand what unconditional and selfless love feels and looks like. From all the people I wronged, I now comprehend forgiveness, loyalty, compassion, and self-respect. All the pain I caused or inflicted on myself over the years, I am so thankful that somewhere deep inside me there was courage, strength and hope to overcome and move on from the dangerous life I was living. Again, while these are all hard things for me to admit and in no way, shape or form am I proud of these things, I am content with where they all eventually led me. I’m never going to live a perfect life because I am not a perfect person, same goes for you. But I love that we all have the opportunity to live a pretty good one. Don’t hide who you are, don’t regret where you’ve been and don’t be ashamed of where you’re going because you have a responsibility to yourself and to others to live out exactly the life God planned for you, the messiness included.
Sharing my thoughts in a blog like this is me choosing to be vulnerable and not care about what other people think because writing is something I love, and it outweighs that fear. Let the things that you love and let the things of yourself outweigh the fears you have. People admire passion, openness, enthusiasm, confidence. Give attention to the things of yourself the way they deserve and people will love them back. Choosing to embrace and put out into the world who you are will have a profound result on your happiness. You will meet more people, share more interests, form new relationships, be introduced to new things and discover more joy than you would if you choose to just sit back and sulk in the fear you have created for yourself. If we learn best from our failures or from our setbacks, imagine how many people we can impact or influence when we choose to embrace them.
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| Mont Blanc February 16, 2019 |
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